


Agony That Can Cut Like A Knife

by ThKdsArntAlrght



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gay Bucky Barnes, Gen, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Feels, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-05-16 23:37:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14821079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThKdsArntAlrght/pseuds/ThKdsArntAlrght
Summary: Steve's just gotten Bucky back, and he's already losing him again.Bucky is playing straight, too scared to lose Steve.Steve is falling apart from the inside out.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is not going to be happy until the very end. There will be various mentions of self harm and in depth discussion of serious topics. The whole story focuses on "unrequited" love and the development of an eating disorder. 
> 
> If any of these subjects will trigger you, then please stay safe and don't read this. Thank you for the love and support on my previous/ongoing works, and enjoy :)

   Steve is drowning so subtly that no one notices.

   It's a typical night in the tower. It's a Friday night that would be perfect for going out, but weeks ago, it was declared a designated movie night, so everyone is here for once.

   Tony is on a couch holding hands with Pepper while Rhodey sits on his other side. Clint has come in to hang with the gang, but mainly Nat, and everyone knows it. Bruce sits by Natasha as well. Loki and Thor are practically intertwined, and Wanda and Vision are in a similar arrangement.

   On the other side of the room, Shuri and Peter are giggling together as they make vine references. T'Challa sits nearby in an arm chair, still on edge from everything that's happened. Sam sits nearby in an identical armchair, zoned out with a stupid grin on his face as he thinks of this girl he's been seeing.

   Everyone is there-except for one person. Bucky. Steve swallows hard when someone asks him where he is. The truth is, since Bucky's name was cleared, Steve hasn't seen much of him.

   He knows he still comes home and sleeps in the guest room of Steve's suite every night despite Tony providing him his own suite.

   He knows he's considering working. He doesn't know where.

   Lastly, he knows that Bucky has a new gal. The former assassin doesn't have to say anything. He stays out late. He seems brighter. He has a stupid grin like Sam's.

   Steve is genuinely happy for Sam. He wishes he could be happy for Bucky. Yet every time he tries to ask Bucky about his new lady, he gets choked up. He doesn't understand it.

    The blonde knows he can have almost anyone he wants. He gets many offers every day ranging from platonic to romantic to downright sexual. He's tried it all. It doesn't excite him like it used to.

   Not for the first time, Steve misses Peggy in situations like this. She had what seemed like all the answers. She would've given him suggestions and witty jokes that would've brightened his mood and set him off on the right path.

   Now he's choked on jealousy and rage, and oddly enough, bile. His whole body tingles every time he blinks or moves. The pounding headache never fades.

   In the middle of the night, Steve excuses himself and says he feels like turning in early. Tony makes an old man joke, Nat and Sam look concerned, and Thor releases Loki to clap him on the back in a friendly manner, wishing him well in case they didn't see esch other again before the godly king and his consort departed for Asgard.

   At last, Steve strips and crawls into bed, staring at his ceiling. He's drowning in plain sight, silently choking. And nobody knows it but him.


	2. I'll Unbreak You

   Bucky comes home late. He's exhausted. His eyelids dropped as he stumbles into bed. His new gal, Allie, is nice. She truly is. He took her dancing tonight, and she was adorably into it.

   The truth is, Bucky doesn't want to date her. However, it's going pretty well. He figures he can date her for a while, and if that goes well, he can propose, they'll get married, and he can say he doesn't want kids because he's too traumatized to be a dad.

   If he gets married, he can't be with Steve. He's not a cheater. Never has been. He can't live without Steve, but he can avoid him. Maybe, Bucky reasons, he just needs to avoid his best friend until he stops loving him in a not-so-brotherly or friendly way.

   Steve is a good guy. Beyond that, Steve is ramrod straight. Bucky used to think he was too. He doesn't want to touch a woman though. Everyone used to joke about him being a gentleman, but a player. He went along with it to stay safe.

   No one knows the truth. Not even Steve. Women love Bucky, but the feeling isn't all that mutual. Allie thinks she turns him on. In reality, he stares into her baby blues and thinks of everyone's favorite Captain.

   Bucky goes for the couch, then changes his mind. He knocks on Steve's door. It opens slowly?. Steve's eyes widen in surprise.

   "Buck? What are you doin' up?" He slurs his words sleepily. Bucky's heart swells.

   "Just got home, Stevie. Been out with my gal." He frowns suddenly. "I don't love her. I don't want to be with her."

   Steve, no longer the scrawniest man in existence, scoops him up bridal style and takes him to his room.

   "You're tired, ba-Buck. You just need to rest. Besides, you ain't gotta love her yet. You two are new."

   "Stevieeee," he drags the nickname out. "I'll never love her."

   "You don't know that. If it's true, there's plenty of other dames who want you, Buck." Steve sets him down, ignoring his sudden need to cry.

   "I don't want dames." Bucky chokes out. "I want you. Always have." Steve is taken aback.

   "James," he breathes out. "You don't mean that. Fuck, I wish you did. You're drunk. You're drunk, and you're breaking me, James."

   "Then I'll unbreak you." It's not the most elegant of sentences, and the messy actions that follow aren't elegant either.

   They don't go further than kissing and a bit of intimate touching that's more romantic than sexual. When daylight breaks, Steve combs his fingers through Bucky's hair and kisses his lips one last time to try and save their flavor for the rest of eternity.

   He gets up and leaves, changing into running clothes. He tries to burn the feeling of Bucky's fingers and lips on his forehead, lips, neck, shoulder, abdomen, back. Tries to burn the feelings away to forget.

If he's being honest, Steve thinks Bucky is the best thing around. He can't stop thinking about how much alcohol he'd had to consume to get drunk, the messy bun, Buck's t-shirt, the way his eyes sparkle when he's happy. He pushes himself too hard and throws up in the garbage bins in a dark alley.

Bucky wakes alone and sobs, clutching his pillow that still smells like Steve. He feels so stupid. Ramrod straight. Just like he thought. Still, he just wants those moments back. Where Steve is touching him and he's touching Steve.

He makes up his mind. He has to dump Allie. She's sweet, but he'll never love her.

He doesn't have a choice, but goddamn it, he'll always choose Steve. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my boys. oh, my poor boys. my poor boys, who apparently CAN'T FUCKING COMMUNICATE. don't worry too much though. they'll get it together eventually. maybe.


	3. Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I'm Bored

  The next few days are a special type of hell for Steve. He can't go home to his suite. Bucky might be there, and he doesn't know if he can see him and not cry. Even worse, Bucky might not be there. He could be out with his girl….or at work or with his girl, who he might not love, but it doesn't matter. He'll find a girl eventually.

 

  Oddly enough, he turns on the radio in his hotel room and finds solace in an artist called ‘Ariana Grande’. Like him, she's been through some shit, and she's kind of a big deal and over it. He understands his phone well enough to fumble over to Spotify and put on her latest album. 

 

  Eventually, he gets restless and slips in earbuds. Most of her new songs have a good enough beat to run to, so he might as well workout and stay in shape if he isn't going to do anything but mope.

 

  By the time the album cycles back around to ‘break up with your girlfriend, i'm bored’, he's slamming a punching bag. He doesn't hate the girl. He just wants her boyfriend. The song is catchy, the message is questionable, and Steve is too pissed off to care.

 

  He decides that it's time for Bucky to go home. His girlfriend has an apartment. Bucky himself has a suite. He doesn't need to haunt Steve's or show up late at night or early in the morning, wasted. He doesn't have the right to show up, cheat on his girlfriend, then expect everything to be fine.

 

  The blonde feels bad as he keeps pummeling the bag. Maybe Bucky doesn't love her, but the girl is probably starstruck, and he helped his best friend cheat. He took advantage of his drunk best friend.

 

  His muscles burned, but his blood ran cold. He was the sober one. He should've stopped it. He felt slightly sick and thought he should stop, but he didn't deserve to. He deserved to be as empty as he felt. Emptiness was control. Control was discipline, something he clearly lacked.

 

  Something he was ready to have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm ari obsessed, and only partly sorry.


End file.
